The best revenge is premature balding
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
