The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
