I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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