I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
