Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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