Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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