Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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