I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
