U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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