I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
