I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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