Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
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Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
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I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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