hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
