I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
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I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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