He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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