i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
