ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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