wakey wakey hands off snakey
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
