Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
