I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
