I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
