I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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