he thought i was a dude.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
