Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
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