I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
