they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
