Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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