Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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