there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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