college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
