3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
