I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
