I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My cat gives me a boner
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
