By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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