Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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