He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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