dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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