Grow some girl-balls and come out already
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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