Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
