Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
