Got a toothbrush?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
