I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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