Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
