im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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