Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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