If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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