i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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