I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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