I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
