If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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