walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
