Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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