I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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