In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Randomize
