my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
