I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
