Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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