he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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