I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
